Archbishop of Canterbury Puts an End to the Gun Debate in the US

6-1 In a surprise move today the Archbishop of Canterbury, head of the world’s Anglican communion, made a statement regarding the recent rash of gun violence in the US.Wayne LaPierre, head of the NRA, representing gun manufacturers, called a press conference in reaction to the statements. He appeared on stage wide-eyed and sweating profusely. “This is the definitive answer,” said La Pierre, voice trembling. “We never expected to have to go up against the Archbishop. We will now stand down and do whatever President Obama asks of us.”

The Archbishops’ succinct wording struck the heart of the matter. “In the United States the question is of course about gun laws – one of the most polarising issues in American politics,” the Archbishop stated carefully pronouncing an ess instead of a zed in polarising.

The Archbishop, Dr. Rowan Williams, (not to be confused with Rowan Atkinson, “Mr. Bean,) is still wildly popular and influential among the nation’s dwindling octogenarian Anglicans. Mary Johnson, 96, interviewed in front of St. Mark’s Episcopal Church in New York City, said, “Rowan is my hero. I love the beard. I’d follow him anywhere,” as she pulled her mink stole closer around her neck against the chilly wind.

Congress and the American public anxiously await a pronouncement on the Fiscal Cliff from the Archbishop, expected at any moment.


Republican Mormon Senator Charged with DUI while Driving Mistress for Abortion

6Idaho State Republican and Mormon Bishop Senator Mike Crapo was arrested just before Christmas driving under the influence and going the wrong way on Interstate 66 in northern Virginia.

In a statement released by his Capitol Hill office, the senator apologized. “I’m heartily sorry for all that has happened. But my constituents and the public needs to understand the pressure all Republicans have been under. Having to appear at campaign stops with Romney. A black man usurping the White House. It’s enough to even drive a Mormon to drink.”

As pressure increased on the senator to explain in greater detail what happened, Crapo explained, “It was John Boehner’s fault. I stopped by to give him my condolences on the Fiscal Cliff debacle. He gave me a diet Coke and that led to stronger beverages like coffee and then alcohol. I was hooked. Then when my, er, secretary got pregnant, I couldn’t take it anymore and I became a victim of Boehner’s liquor cabinet.”

The senator continued saying that healing was on its way. He would propose a law to make gun ownership mandatory for all drivers. “As long as the gun manufacturers are happy, America is happy.”

There was no immediate comment from the senator’s sister wives.