In a statement released by his Capitol Hill office, the senator apologized. “I’m heartily sorry for all that has happened. But my constituents and the public needs to understand the pressure all Republicans have been under. Having to appear at campaign stops with Romney. A black man usurping the White House. It’s enough to even drive a Mormon to drink.”
As pressure increased on the senator to explain in greater detail what happened, Crapo explained, “It was John Boehner’s fault. I stopped by to give him my condolences on the Fiscal Cliff debacle. He gave me a diet Coke and that led to stronger beverages like coffee and then alcohol. I was hooked. Then when my, er, secretary got pregnant, I couldn’t take it anymore and I became a victim of Boehner’s liquor cabinet.”
The senator continued saying that healing was on its way. He would propose a law to make gun ownership mandatory for all drivers. “As long as the gun manufacturers are happy, America is happy.”
There was no immediate comment from the senator’s sister wives.